The Toxicity of "If He Wanted to, He Would." and the Power of Conscious Communication

The phrase "If he wanted to, he would" has been circulating on social media for years, often used as a rallying cry for self-worth and standards in relationships. While the sentiment behind it is understandable (we all deserve effort as well as reciprocity) this mindset is actually toxic and deeply flawed. It assumes that love should be instinctive and effortless, that our partners should simply know what we need without us ever having to express it. But love isn't a guessing game, and relationships aren't built on silent expectations.

Your Partner Cannot Read Your Mind

At the core of a conscious relationship is the understanding that no one, not even your soulmate, can read your mind. Expecting your partner to automatically know what you need, without clear communication, sets both of you up for disappointment and resentment. Love isn't about testing each other's ability to predict unspoken desires, it's about co-creating a space where both people feel seen, understood and valued. So often, people hold onto this phrase as a way to justify walking away from a relationship instead of leaning into the uncomfortable but necessary work of communication. Instead of saying, "If they wanted to, they would," try asking yourself: "Have I clearly expressed my needs in a way they can understand?" Love isn't proven by mind-reading but by the willingness to listen, learn, and grow together.

Masculine & Feminine Energy in Relationships

This belief also reinforces unhealthy dynamics between masculine and feminine energies. The wounded feminine often expects to be pursued, adored, and intuitively understood without ever having to voice her needs. She longs to be met without asking, fearing that verbalizing her desires makes them less meaningful. On the other hand, the wounded masculine may feel pressure to perform, to constantly anticipate without guidance, leading to frustration and a sense of failure when he doesn't meet these unspoken expectations. A healed feminine energy understands that expressing her needs is an act of self-respect, not weakness. A healed masculine energy recognizes that his presence and effort matter more than perfection. In a conscious relationship, the feminine leans into vulnerability and expression, while the masculine creates a safe space to receive, respond, and reciprocate.

They don't operate from assumptions, they move with intention, honoring each other's unique ways of loving.

The Power of Communicating Needs

True intimacy requires communication. If you feel unseen or unappreciated, rather than assuming your partner should know what is wrong, invite them into your world. Say, "It makes me feel deeply loved when you check in with me throughout the day," or "Quality time is really important to me, and I'd love for us to be intentional about spending more of it together." The way your partner responds to your needs once they are clearly expressed says far more about their love for you than whether or not they guessed them correctly in the first place. The same applies in reverse. It's not just about making sure your needs are met, it's about holding space for your partner's as well. Ask them, "What makes you feel the most loved by me?" or "Is there anything I can do to show up better for you?" Conscious love is a dance of mutual understanding, where both partners take responsibility for expressing themselves and listening with an open heart.

A Ritual for Deepening Connection & Understanding Each Other's Needs

To shift out of silent expectations and into intentional love, try this simple yet powerful Sacred Communication Ritual with your partner.

What You'll Need:

• A candle to symbolize clarity and openness (any color, size or shape will do...it's about the intention)

• A journal and pen for each person

• A quiet, comfortable space

• (optional) Crystals matching your intention for love and communication (Rose Quartz is a great one for unconditional love, and Lapis is wonderful for self-expression and deep conversations)

The Ritual:

1. Set the Space: Light the candle together, and if you are using crystals you can arrange them in a way that feels right to you around the candle. Take a few deep breaths and set the intention to communicate openly and with love, not judgement.

2. Journaling Prompts: Each of you will write answers to the following prompts:

   -What makes me feel most loved in this relationship?

   -What is something I need more of that I haven't fully expressed?

   -How can I show up better for my partner?

3. Share & Listen: Take turns reading your answers aloud. The key here is to listen without interrupting, defending, or reacting. Simply hold space.

4. Express Gratitude: After sharing, thank each other for their openness and vulnerability. Hold hands, make eye contact, and say, "I honor you, I see you, and I love you."

5. Close the Ritual: Blow out the candle together, visualizing the energy of deeper understanding and love flowing between you.

   
   

A New Perspective on Effort in Love

Rather than believing "If they wanted to, they would." Shift your mindset to: "If we want this to work, we will show up for each other, communicate, and grow together." Love isn't about proving itself through silent and unrealistic expectations. It thrives in the space where both partners choose to hear, and honor each other every single day. That's where real connection lives...not in assumptions, but in the courage to express, receive, and love consciously.

Be Raw

Be Real

Be You

Love, Sunny