How Self-Forgiveness Became the Key to My Healing After Abuse

Healing from abuse is not a straight path, it's a winding journey that often takes us deep into places we didn't know we carried. For me, self-forgiveness became one of the hardest yet most vital parts of that journey. After enduring 10 years of narcissistic abuse with an alcoholic partner, I was left not just with pain and trauma; but also a heavy burden of guilt and shame. I blamed myself for staying, for not protecting my children the way I wish I could have, and for losing myself completely in the chaos.

But as I moved through my healing, I realized something...I could not move forward until I forgave myself.

Why Self-Forgiveness Matters in Healing

1. Releasing the Weight of Guilt

For a long time, I carried the unbearable weight of guilt. I asked myself questions like:

"Why did I stay so long?"

"Why didn't I see the truth sooner?"

"How could I have let my kids down?"

When I decided to leave my abuser, I also decided to sign over custody of my three older children to their bio dad because, at the time, I knew I couldn't be the mother they needed, and I wanted to protect them from the inevitable blow up that I knew was coming. I was drowning in the abuse, completely disconnected from my own power. This decision haunted me, I felt like I had failed them and failed myself.

What I have come to realize, though, is that I was surviving. I was doing the best I could in an impossible situation. Self-forgiveness allowed me to release the guilt I had placed on my shoulders. I began to understand that holding onto blame only kept me stuck, and my children needed me to heal, not to live in shame.

2. Letting Go of Shame and Owning My Truth

Abuse has a way of making you feel like you're broken, like you're somehow at fault for someone else's actions. I internalized so much shame, I thought I deserved what happened, or that I was weak for staying.

But shame is a lie that abuse plants within us. As I worked through my healing, I began to dismantle those beliefs. I now know:

-I was never at fault for someone else's harmful behavior.

-I was strong for surviving what I did.

-My past does not define me, it empowers me.

3. Creating Space for Growth and Healing

For so long, I believed that I didn't deserve to heal, to love myself, or to live a life free of pain. That belief kept me in cycles of self-sabotage. But when I began forgiving myself, something shifted...I made space for growth, for self-love, and for a future where I could thrive.

Self-forgiveness was like opening a door I had kept locked for years, it allowed light to flood in and begin healing the darkest parts of me.

How I Began to Forgive Myself

1. Acknowledging the Truth

The first step was recognizing that the abuse was not my fault. I had to say it out loud, over and over again: "I did not deserve what happened to me. I forgive myself for what I did not know then."

I began to separate myself from the story of blame I had been telling. I was not the villain...I was the SURVIVOR.

2. Writing Letters to My Past Self

Journaling became a lifeline for me. I wrote letters to the woman I was during those years of abuse...letters full of love, compassion and understanding. I told her:

"You were doing your best."

"You didn't fail; you fought to survive."

"You are still worthy of love and forgiveness"

Writing helped me connect with that version of myself nad begin to heal the wounds she carried.

3. Rituals of Release

One powerful moment in my healing journey was writing down everything I needed to forgive myself for; the guilt, the shame, the regrets...and burning it. As I watched the paper turn to ash, I whispered, "I release this. I forgive myself."

This ritual was a symbolic act of letting go. It reminded me that I no longer had to carry the past; I could choose to set it down. (or quite literally, burn it down)

4. Showing Myself Compassion Everyday

I started treating myself with the same kindness I offer to others. When negative thoughts crept in, I reminded myself: "I am healing. I am learning. I am worthy of forgiveness and love."

Self-forgiveness isn't a one-time event; it's a daily practice of choosing love over shame.

The Freedom of Self-Forgiveness

Forgiving myself didn't erase the past, but it freed me from the chains that were holding me there. I no longer let guilt or shame define me. Instead, I live as a woman who has risen from the ashes of her pain- a woman who is strong, resilient and worthy.

Because of this journey, I've found my purpose. I now help other women heal and forgive themselves so they, too, can embrace their authenticity and reclaim their lives.

A Message to You

If you are carrying guilt or shame after abuse, I want you to know this:

• You are not to blame for what happened.

• You were doing the best you could in a difficult situation.

• You deserve to heal, to forgive, and to love yourself again.

Self-forgiveness is not about excusing the past; it's about releasing it so you can move forward. Be gentle with yourself. Offer yourself the love and compassion you give to others. Your healing is a gift to the world because when you forgive yourself, you reclaim your power and inspire others to do the same.

If you are ready to begin your own journey of self-forgiveness, know that it is possible, and you are not alone.

You are not broken. You are healing. And you are worthy...just as you are.

Be Raw, Be Real, Be You.

Love, Sunny